I am Jack's random stream of consciousness blog post

I'm having a weird day. I feel weird. I feel gross and all things unpleasant.

I felt amazing this weekend. On Saturday after my workout, I felt STRONG. I came home, showered, got dressed and felt beautiful as I gallivanted around town running errands. Yesterday I felt content. Relaxed. I felt sexy and strong.

Today...I don't feel any of those good feelings. I feel sad that I'm not in a loud, rock band and that I don't have that outlet to release anger and energy. I feel sad that even if I was in a band that I doubt I'd have the time or energy to rehearse and write.

I've been promising P that I'd write new material for months now. I start to write and then it just stops. I can write these blog posts, sure, but this isn't the same. I think I need to start journaling daily in a paper journal. Maybe it will help start the flow of creative juices.

Some days I want to be sing pop. Other days I wish I was in a metal or hardcore band. Most days I just miss Radio Drama. but only the last lineup. It was perfect.

I'm upset at my weight. I've been trying to lose this same amount of weight for over 2 years. It just won't budge. I fluctuate between these two sizes and can't seem to shake anymore. I lose 10-20lbs and then gain it all back. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Obviously whatever I think I know is bullshit and doesn't work.

I should be working right now. Instead I'm writing this.

I have a friend who is a trainer and works me out to the point of dropping once a week. The rest of the week I'm on my own. I walk to the bus in the morning, sit all the way to work, sit all day at work, sit on the bus all the way home, walk home from the bus stop and plop my ass down and sit some more. Maybe its the light.

Its so dark out when I get home. I think my brain thinks its bedtime. Its starting to get lighter. Maybe that will help. I love the dark......but miss the light. Does that make sense?

I want to give her everything but have nothing to give. I wish I could be more for her...and for me.

Little by little.

I need to find my motivation again. My creativity. My passion. I need my darkness.

I think I feel too old.

Aging is for suckers.