My wisdom teeth were not wise enough

I'm 28 years old and had all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed 7 days ago. Why? Because I'm crazy and an idiot at the same time.

When I was 18 I was told by a dentist that my wisdom teeth were growing in horizontally instead of vertically and I needed to get them removed by a surgeon right away. Did I mention I was 18? That means I was invincible, knew more than any dentist and had important things to do. I just graduated high school and was setting off on a road trip to college. I had no time for things like this. Not to mention I didn't have insurance and I never told my parents. They would have marched my butt right into the surgeons chair otherwise. So, I ignored the warning.

A few years ago I started to get horrible pain whenever I ate on the right side of my mouth. Pain that should have forced me to start dropping pounds since there were so many foods I could now no longer eat. Some how I found a way to still shove that food in my mouth, thus no weight loss. I didn't have insurance so I couldn't afford to go to the dentist. I assumed it was a cavity, since I'd never had one, and just figured I'd take care of it eventually.

Two years ago my girlfriend was tired of hearing me complain day after day, and seeing me in constant agony, so she took me to a dentist for an emergency appointment. The good news was, no cavity. The bad news, my wisdom teeth did grow in crooked and one of them, on the painful side, was growing in horizontally and tearing at the roots of my molars. Ouchies.

He also said I needed to see a surgeon right away. Still no insurance so I left with an xray of my screwed up teeth and went back to normal.

I recently got a real job with grown up things like insurance. First thing I did the day my insurance cards came in the mail was go to the dentist. It had gotten worse, since it's been 10 years, and now they would have to remove small pieces of my jawbone as well. Good news is I still don't have any cavities. Do I get an award or something? A month later, I had the surgery. That was 7 days ago.

After the surgery I was hopped up on pain medication so I was wheeled out to the car in a wheelchair, since my legs wouldn't work, and plopped down in the seat next to my loving girlfriend. She informs me that for the next hour, I told her I couldn't feel my tongue (I was touching my chin while I told her this important information) and I made her touch it to ensure it was still in my mouth. I also refused to put my hand down. I got in the car and raised my hand in the air. She put my hands in my lap but I raised it again and told her, "It's more comfortable like this." I also said the phrase "Oh man" about 1,000 times. At some point in the car ride I started crying because I swore there was something in my mouth that was trying to go down my throat and cut off my breathing. The whole time she held my hand and put up with my craziness. She's a keeper that one.

Throughout the next few days, my face swelled up like a squirrel with cheeks full of acorns. My girl's favorite question to me over these days was, "What are you hiding in those cheeks?" Everyday she told me how cute and beautiful I was, even though I know I looked like I was morbidly obese and this was the future of my face if I didn't stop eating so much crap. I recommend this surgery for kick starting any weight loss plan.

I now look like I got punched in the face because of a giant bruise on the side of my jaw. But the swelling is going down. Now I just look fat. I've caught up on a lot of reading, TV and video games. Very important stuff I had been putting off. Not to mention the fact that my girlfriend showed how devoted she is to me in sickness and in health. Did I mention she's a keeper? Putting a ring on that finger as soon as some heterosexual judge gives me the go ahead.

All in all, I'm glad I did the grown up thing. It probably would have been better to do it at 18 but too late now. I've been out of work for the last week and am praying I still have a desk when I go back. I've learned Vicodin makes me terribly sleepy and that I really like jello. Like, whoa. And I learned that doctors are smarter than 18 year olds.

Who knew?