I'm a grownup?

I've never felt like a grownup. Since I've been one anyways.

When I was younger I always felt like a grownup. I always felt 17 going on 45. I was always more comfortable with people older than me. People my age always seemed so immature. I rarely dated anyone my age. Even as I got older, so did my choices in friends. In my late teens and early twenties, my closest friends were all well over 30. I was never a crazy party girl and I preferred more grown up get togethers. Now in my late twenties and getting ready to approach 30 myself, all of my friends are already well into their thirties and more. I just feel more comfortable there.

However, that has a downside. That I always feel like the child. Though I feel more mature than those my age, I feel very immature now and then with my older friends. There are times conversations will be had and I won't understand the topic because it was before my time or I won't get the reference. It may involve things I haven't experienced yet. So I get a laugh and a smile and someone saying "Oh you're so young". But I don't feel young.

I don't feel that my life will feel any different when I'm 30. I've always felt that age anyways. I think I was born in the wrong decade.

A close friend once told me I had an old soul. I like to think that has a beauty to it.

I always feel like I'm asking permission with my older coworkers or friends. Though sometimes I feel awkward when I have to give direction to those older than me. Trying to maintain that respect but be assertive. Does that even make sense?

When I was 18 I moved out in the middle of my senior year and got my own apartment. I felt too independent. When I was 20 I moved to New York where I knew no one. Now at 28 I feel I've found my home in Los Angeles and a career. It is so weird to feel like I have a career. I've never had that before. I've always had "jobs" and always excelled in the business side of things.

I never finished my college degree because I couldn't figure out what I wanted. My creative side wanted my art degree. My rational side wanted more money. My musical side wanted me to never go back to college and to focus on singing. My rational side wanted stability. It wanted health insurance. It wanted "stuff".

I've now realized that all of my jobs have ended up in managerial positions dealing with the business and marketing end of things. That is where I've excelled. That has helped me decide to go back to school and finish my degree in business. Its what I'm good at.

I haven't played in a band in 9 months. I think I'm too old.