Cleanliness is Godliness

Now that you have watched the video...lets discuss.

"No one likes a bath tissue that leaves pieces behind." Who has pieces of toilet paper left all over their bum? No, really. Who? I would love to meet these people. I have a lot of questions.

I have been wiping my own ass for well over 26 years. I'll say my parents must have done it for the first year of my life. This has never happened to me. Not once.

Now, my girlfriend states that this must be a mans problem. Because, you know, they're hairy. This could be true. But seriously, that's gross. If I was a man and was getting bits of toilet paper stuck to my ass hair, I would grab my Norelco shaver and manscape away. I just assume that if I was a man, I would use a fancy Norelco shaver. They look nice. I would also be a metro sexual if I was a man.

But back to the subject, there is no way that I would let this continue on.

Now what I am dying to know is, did Charmin get complaints about this? Did people write into Charmin complaining of toilet paper bits stuck to their bottoms?

Dear Charmin,

I love your product so much but I wish you would address this one issue. I constantly get toilet paper pieces stuck in my hairy butt. I constantly have to pick them out while backing up against the mirror. It is such a hassle! Any way you can invent a toilet paper that doesn't leave behind bits? That would be super-d-duper.

Love,

Harry Butts

I would love to read their mail. I work at a newspaper and the mail we get at times is just fantastic. I can only imagine the kind of people who write into the toilet paper company. Hey Charmin, I smell a Facebook fan page of Charmin letter gems in the works. That would be some great publicity.

I understand their point is that its "thicker" it seems. That it doesn't break down as quickly as say, the cheap-o one-ply toilet paper. I get that. But there are so many other ways to market this product other than remnants left in your hairy bear butt. These commercials just gross me out. They are not cute or funny. Its just gross. Hairy butts full of toilet paper pieces? Definitely gross. Nothing appealing about it.

My bottom line (no pun intended) is that if you have enough butt hair to necessitate needing a toilet paper that will leave behind fewer pieces....grab a razor. Get that manscape under control. Hell, if you have that much hair you could probably make a design. I like lightening bolts.

Whoever sees you naked will appreciate this. I guarantee it.

16 and Pregnant. There's a shocker.

This show is like a horrible car accident. I can't stop watching. My girlfriend and I happened across this show one day while finding nothing else to watch and we were entranced.

Every time we watch this show I find us yelling at the TV. Lets not kid ourselves, I yell at our TV a lot. But this show brings out a lot more yelling than usual.

Lets start with the new season that premiered on MTV the other night. This episode completely featured a teenage girl named Jenelle.

Jenelle was dating some boy who was a former model and surprise, surprise she got pregnant. Her boyfriend was a real gem who had no job, no income and a drinking problem. He also continuously told her she was a "piece of crap" among many other compliments.

And of course this girl just kept going back for more like a fat kid at an all you can eat buffet. And again, SURPRISE, when he suddenly wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

Her mom, while not the greatest communicator, did try to get across to her that her boyfriend was a piece of garbage. But Jenelle being the worldly soul that she is, didn't believe her. Until her friends said the same exact thing and then suddenly Jenelle decided to end it. But knowing her type, I am sure they'll get back together.

Anywho, skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead...Jenelle has this little baby. Immediately after having the baby, and I mean days, she starts going out every night. Her poor mother is the one getting up every few hours to take care of the baby. She is the one making the bottles and changing the diapers. But its the martyr Jenelle complaining about how tough it is and how tired she is. Tired from what?! Holding the kid? Complaining? Please enlighten me about what is sooooo hard for you.

Jenelle admits once to the camera that "I thought being a mom would be easy. But I was thinking about when he is older and doing the fun stuff."

Really?! Are you that dense that you thought it would just be a piece of cake?! Bet you are rethinking that whole "you-don't-have-to-wear-a-condom-its-totally-cool" thing that got you into this predicament in the first place aren't you?!

I am no prude. And I also don't think kids should be taught abstinence, but safe sex. I was young once too and I had sex. With a boy *shudders*. However, I never was so irresponsible as to not use protection. How do you agree to that KNOWING what the consequences are? Pregnancy is the BEST case scenario there. You're lucky you didn't get something with an outcome of death or pus filled sores on your chichi.

Anyways, *stepping off the soap box*, back to Jenelle. She loves to threaten her mom, saying, as soon as she's 18 she'll leave and never let her see the baby again. DO IT! I'd love to see her try and make it on her own with that baby without her mom doing all the hard work for her. That kid would be dead in a week. I'd bet money on it. She's the mom you read about who would leave her kid in the car so she could go shopping. Or prop him up with some pillows all night while she goes out clubbing. "I gave my baby just a little whisky and now he'll be out for hours. Woo Hoo!!"

And guess what Jenelle? That loser douche bag boyfriend of yours is going to be a part of your life forever. Like it or not, he has rights to that kid if he wants to use them. Ah young love.

Do the world a favor kid. Give your little one to a family that will actually appreciate him and take care of him. A family that would give and do anything for their child. This way you can have your precious social life back. Then get your tubes tied and use a condom...just to be safe.

You will NEVER get a good night's sleep!

I love the show Medium. LOVE it. It is by far one of my favorite TV shows. Have you seen it? Its great.

There is one thing about the show that gets a little annoying. Now, keep in mind the show has been on for 6 seasons.

Every single episode, Allison (played by Patricia Arquette), wakes up from a dream very abruptly in the middle of the night. Every time this happens, her husband Joe (played by Jake Weber) is startled that this happens. He is always astonished that she wakes up like this and at many times complains how he can't get a good night sleep. Really Joe? Really!!??

A classic Joe quote:

Allison Dubois: I just had a weird dream...
Joe Dubois: Of course you did. It's a day ending in "Y".

Oh shut it Joe, you condescending schmuck. You knew she was psychic when you married her.

Your wife is a psychic who has psychic dreams that wake her up suddenly every single night and still you aren't surprised when it happens? You act like its the very first time this has happened and still bitch and complain. SHE HAS PSYCHIC DREAMS!! Get over it. Go sleep on the couch if its so bothersome. Wear earplugs so you don't hear her wake up!

The other constant irritation in this show is how no one ever believes her. She has a psychic vision. She tells her husband. She tells her boss, the District Attorney (played by Miguel Sandoval). No one ever believes her.

They tell her things like, "That can't be right." or "You must be mistaken." They say "I'm sorry Allison but I just don't see how that's possible."

HOW DO YOU NOT BELIEVE HER?!

At the end of every single episode she ends up being right. There have only been a handful of times she's been a little off. Her dreams always lead up to the bad guy. They always lead to the solving of the crime. You think since this happens once a week their logic would dictate that if they believe her at first, their solve rate would go up. But no.

It seems that in order to make for what they deem good TV, they have to not believe her and go round and round and round until finally they circle back to Allison's dream and what she dreamt comes true.

UGH! Its so frustrating.

Every week I find myself screaming at the TV. When Allison wakes up in the middle of the night I yell at Joe saying "SHE'S PSYCHIC GOD DAMNIT!."

I wish they would just believe her right off the bat. Poor Allison. She must just sigh to herself constantly and think, "Here we go again."

I should write for TV.