Hello blog, my old friend.

Well its been quite a few months since I've ranted on anything. I was doing good there for awhile. Then I decided to pack all of my belongings and my loved one into my car and move across the country. No really, I did that.

Now I'm writing from sunny Southern California. I have been quite distracted since I discovered podcasting and have been doing one weekly. Its hilarious, I won't lie.

Anywho, on to the good stuff. I have something to talk about and it involves icky girly things. If you are a boy and want to stop reading now, I totally will understand.

I recently read an article in Curve magazine about periods and I also discovered quite a few books on the subject. This has fascinated me enough to the point of wanting to write about it.

Lets start at the beginning...the way beginning. I was 10 years old and thought I was dying. I already had boobs and was the only girl in 4th grade wearing a bra. It was not a cool thing to have then and I hated my boobs. All the boys would snap my bra strap and I was horribly embarrassed. I would wear baggy shirts to try to hide the fact that I was wearing a white cotton bra underneath but nothing worked. Then to top my puberty sundae, I got my period one weekend afternoon at home. I came out of the bathroom screaming to my mother that I thought I was dying. My mother responded to my ever so common dramatics by telling me there were things in the bathroom to use under the cabinet. That was my lesson.

I sat on the floor of my bathroom attempting to discern the pictorial diagrams that accompany a box of Always maxi-pads and figure out how to attach them to my underwear. Then I experienced the joy of feeling like I was wearing a diaper. So begins the lovely journey of being a woman.

Now I realize this may paint my mother as an un-motherly brat but I can assure you she was not. She actually had went over the menstrual cycle with me about a year prior via my encyclopedia set. Not what I anticipated using it for when my parents bought it for me. That was a great birds and bees lesson full of lovely pictures of genitalia which scarred me for life. Maybe that should have been my first clue that I was a lesbian.

So now I was not just the only girl in my class to wear a bra but I'm pretty sure I was the only one on my period. To this day, I have yet to meet anyone who started as early as I did. I was pretty tomboyish around 4th-5th grade but my mother insisted I carry a little yellow purse to school. Again, the only girl who had a purse. To make it even more obvious, when I would ask to use the bathroom during class I would have to make sure I brought my purse with me. In 4th grade, that raises a lot of questions because why would you need to bring anything with you to the bathroom. It was a very traumatic time for me.

Now in my late twenties, I continue to get my monthly period like clockwork. Every 28 days, thar she blows. A monthly reminder that my eggs are being wasted because I don't want children. Every time the cramps start, the bloating begins and I start to cry at commercials I am punished for not wanting to use my eggs to procreate. I really wish this was optional.

I wish that I could decide not to have my period, just as I can decide I don't want to add a friend on Facebook. I wish each month I'd get an email saying "Your period would like to come and visit you. Accept or Ignore". Then I could happily click on Ignore and move on with my day. 1, 2, 3.

But I do not have that luxury. Sure I could go on birth control and then only get my period once or twice a year but I refuse to do that for a multitude of reasons. A) I do not need birth control as it is biologically impossible for my girlfriend to impregnate me. If by some miracle of life she did impregnate me, I'm pretty sure I'd be rich because I would be a world marvel. I would totally have a kid if it was a miracle of science like that. B) I do not want to put unnecessary chemicals into my body if I don't need to. If it was a matter of life or death and the only way to survive was to take birth control, then I'd do it. But to take it just so I can not have a period is a little ridiculous.

I'm sure when I go into menopause I will yearn for the days of a period and natural estrogen. But we won't know until that happens.

For now, I get to watch awesome commercials of birth control and feminine products during television programs that are in my demographic. I get to watch the women in these commercials frolic in fields of daisy's because they are on birth control. Or I get to see women dancing around in their underwear because they finally found the best tampon. Because some man who runs these companies thinks that is what will make women buy their products. Some dude in a suit, sitting in an office, says "I know if I was a woman, I would totally connect to this random ethnically diverse woman running and giggling and want to wear the same tampon she does." Do these guys really think that works? Do they think that their birth control or tampon will make me feel more connected to my womanhood? Let me in that board room. I'll make a commercial of some woman whining in agony because of cramps and balling at touching commercials for Rice Krispies. I will show a woman bitching about the price of these necessary products and that she has to go through this every month. Have you seen the price of pads or tampons? These dudes make a fortune off of us. Half of the worlds population HAS to buy these products. I can only imagine their vast menstrual cycle fortunes.

For now, I just have to suck it up and deal with it, as do we all. But I can say that the advertising and product world would be quite a different place if it was men who had their periods. I bet they would have found a cure for this by now. However, the worlds population would probably die out. Silly boys.

Cleanliness is Godliness

Now that you have watched the video...lets discuss.

"No one likes a bath tissue that leaves pieces behind." Who has pieces of toilet paper left all over their bum? No, really. Who? I would love to meet these people. I have a lot of questions.

I have been wiping my own ass for well over 26 years. I'll say my parents must have done it for the first year of my life. This has never happened to me. Not once.

Now, my girlfriend states that this must be a mans problem. Because, you know, they're hairy. This could be true. But seriously, that's gross. If I was a man and was getting bits of toilet paper stuck to my ass hair, I would grab my Norelco shaver and manscape away. I just assume that if I was a man, I would use a fancy Norelco shaver. They look nice. I would also be a metro sexual if I was a man.

But back to the subject, there is no way that I would let this continue on.

Now what I am dying to know is, did Charmin get complaints about this? Did people write into Charmin complaining of toilet paper bits stuck to their bottoms?

Dear Charmin,

I love your product so much but I wish you would address this one issue. I constantly get toilet paper pieces stuck in my hairy butt. I constantly have to pick them out while backing up against the mirror. It is such a hassle! Any way you can invent a toilet paper that doesn't leave behind bits? That would be super-d-duper.

Love,

Harry Butts

I would love to read their mail. I work at a newspaper and the mail we get at times is just fantastic. I can only imagine the kind of people who write into the toilet paper company. Hey Charmin, I smell a Facebook fan page of Charmin letter gems in the works. That would be some great publicity.

I understand their point is that its "thicker" it seems. That it doesn't break down as quickly as say, the cheap-o one-ply toilet paper. I get that. But there are so many other ways to market this product other than remnants left in your hairy bear butt. These commercials just gross me out. They are not cute or funny. Its just gross. Hairy butts full of toilet paper pieces? Definitely gross. Nothing appealing about it.

My bottom line (no pun intended) is that if you have enough butt hair to necessitate needing a toilet paper that will leave behind fewer pieces....grab a razor. Get that manscape under control. Hell, if you have that much hair you could probably make a design. I like lightening bolts.

Whoever sees you naked will appreciate this. I guarantee it.

16 and Pregnant. There's a shocker.

This show is like a horrible car accident. I can't stop watching. My girlfriend and I happened across this show one day while finding nothing else to watch and we were entranced.

Every time we watch this show I find us yelling at the TV. Lets not kid ourselves, I yell at our TV a lot. But this show brings out a lot more yelling than usual.

Lets start with the new season that premiered on MTV the other night. This episode completely featured a teenage girl named Jenelle.

Jenelle was dating some boy who was a former model and surprise, surprise she got pregnant. Her boyfriend was a real gem who had no job, no income and a drinking problem. He also continuously told her she was a "piece of crap" among many other compliments.

And of course this girl just kept going back for more like a fat kid at an all you can eat buffet. And again, SURPRISE, when he suddenly wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

Her mom, while not the greatest communicator, did try to get across to her that her boyfriend was a piece of garbage. But Jenelle being the worldly soul that she is, didn't believe her. Until her friends said the same exact thing and then suddenly Jenelle decided to end it. But knowing her type, I am sure they'll get back together.

Anywho, skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead...Jenelle has this little baby. Immediately after having the baby, and I mean days, she starts going out every night. Her poor mother is the one getting up every few hours to take care of the baby. She is the one making the bottles and changing the diapers. But its the martyr Jenelle complaining about how tough it is and how tired she is. Tired from what?! Holding the kid? Complaining? Please enlighten me about what is sooooo hard for you.

Jenelle admits once to the camera that "I thought being a mom would be easy. But I was thinking about when he is older and doing the fun stuff."

Really?! Are you that dense that you thought it would just be a piece of cake?! Bet you are rethinking that whole "you-don't-have-to-wear-a-condom-its-totally-cool" thing that got you into this predicament in the first place aren't you?!

I am no prude. And I also don't think kids should be taught abstinence, but safe sex. I was young once too and I had sex. With a boy *shudders*. However, I never was so irresponsible as to not use protection. How do you agree to that KNOWING what the consequences are? Pregnancy is the BEST case scenario there. You're lucky you didn't get something with an outcome of death or pus filled sores on your chichi.

Anyways, *stepping off the soap box*, back to Jenelle. She loves to threaten her mom, saying, as soon as she's 18 she'll leave and never let her see the baby again. DO IT! I'd love to see her try and make it on her own with that baby without her mom doing all the hard work for her. That kid would be dead in a week. I'd bet money on it. She's the mom you read about who would leave her kid in the car so she could go shopping. Or prop him up with some pillows all night while she goes out clubbing. "I gave my baby just a little whisky and now he'll be out for hours. Woo Hoo!!"

And guess what Jenelle? That loser douche bag boyfriend of yours is going to be a part of your life forever. Like it or not, he has rights to that kid if he wants to use them. Ah young love.

Do the world a favor kid. Give your little one to a family that will actually appreciate him and take care of him. A family that would give and do anything for their child. This way you can have your precious social life back. Then get your tubes tied and use a condom...just to be safe.

You will NEVER get a good night's sleep!

I love the show Medium. LOVE it. It is by far one of my favorite TV shows. Have you seen it? Its great.

There is one thing about the show that gets a little annoying. Now, keep in mind the show has been on for 6 seasons.

Every single episode, Allison (played by Patricia Arquette), wakes up from a dream very abruptly in the middle of the night. Every time this happens, her husband Joe (played by Jake Weber) is startled that this happens. He is always astonished that she wakes up like this and at many times complains how he can't get a good night sleep. Really Joe? Really!!??

A classic Joe quote:

Allison Dubois: I just had a weird dream...
Joe Dubois: Of course you did. It's a day ending in "Y".

Oh shut it Joe, you condescending schmuck. You knew she was psychic when you married her.

Your wife is a psychic who has psychic dreams that wake her up suddenly every single night and still you aren't surprised when it happens? You act like its the very first time this has happened and still bitch and complain. SHE HAS PSYCHIC DREAMS!! Get over it. Go sleep on the couch if its so bothersome. Wear earplugs so you don't hear her wake up!

The other constant irritation in this show is how no one ever believes her. She has a psychic vision. She tells her husband. She tells her boss, the District Attorney (played by Miguel Sandoval). No one ever believes her.

They tell her things like, "That can't be right." or "You must be mistaken." They say "I'm sorry Allison but I just don't see how that's possible."

HOW DO YOU NOT BELIEVE HER?!

At the end of every single episode she ends up being right. There have only been a handful of times she's been a little off. Her dreams always lead up to the bad guy. They always lead to the solving of the crime. You think since this happens once a week their logic would dictate that if they believe her at first, their solve rate would go up. But no.

It seems that in order to make for what they deem good TV, they have to not believe her and go round and round and round until finally they circle back to Allison's dream and what she dreamt comes true.

UGH! Its so frustrating.

Every week I find myself screaming at the TV. When Allison wakes up in the middle of the night I yell at Joe saying "SHE'S PSYCHIC GOD DAMNIT!."

I wish they would just believe her right off the bat. Poor Allison. She must just sigh to herself constantly and think, "Here we go again."

I should write for TV.