Cleanliness is Godliness

Now that you have watched the video...lets discuss.

"No one likes a bath tissue that leaves pieces behind." Who has pieces of toilet paper left all over their bum? No, really. Who? I would love to meet these people. I have a lot of questions.

I have been wiping my own ass for well over 26 years. I'll say my parents must have done it for the first year of my life. This has never happened to me. Not once.

Now, my girlfriend states that this must be a mans problem. Because, you know, they're hairy. This could be true. But seriously, that's gross. If I was a man and was getting bits of toilet paper stuck to my ass hair, I would grab my Norelco shaver and manscape away. I just assume that if I was a man, I would use a fancy Norelco shaver. They look nice. I would also be a metro sexual if I was a man.

But back to the subject, there is no way that I would let this continue on.

Now what I am dying to know is, did Charmin get complaints about this? Did people write into Charmin complaining of toilet paper bits stuck to their bottoms?

Dear Charmin,

I love your product so much but I wish you would address this one issue. I constantly get toilet paper pieces stuck in my hairy butt. I constantly have to pick them out while backing up against the mirror. It is such a hassle! Any way you can invent a toilet paper that doesn't leave behind bits? That would be super-d-duper.

Love,

Harry Butts

I would love to read their mail. I work at a newspaper and the mail we get at times is just fantastic. I can only imagine the kind of people who write into the toilet paper company. Hey Charmin, I smell a Facebook fan page of Charmin letter gems in the works. That would be some great publicity.

I understand their point is that its "thicker" it seems. That it doesn't break down as quickly as say, the cheap-o one-ply toilet paper. I get that. But there are so many other ways to market this product other than remnants left in your hairy bear butt. These commercials just gross me out. They are not cute or funny. Its just gross. Hairy butts full of toilet paper pieces? Definitely gross. Nothing appealing about it.

My bottom line (no pun intended) is that if you have enough butt hair to necessitate needing a toilet paper that will leave behind fewer pieces....grab a razor. Get that manscape under control. Hell, if you have that much hair you could probably make a design. I like lightening bolts.

Whoever sees you naked will appreciate this. I guarantee it.

16 and Pregnant. There's a shocker.

This show is like a horrible car accident. I can't stop watching. My girlfriend and I happened across this show one day while finding nothing else to watch and we were entranced.

Every time we watch this show I find us yelling at the TV. Lets not kid ourselves, I yell at our TV a lot. But this show brings out a lot more yelling than usual.

Lets start with the new season that premiered on MTV the other night. This episode completely featured a teenage girl named Jenelle.

Jenelle was dating some boy who was a former model and surprise, surprise she got pregnant. Her boyfriend was a real gem who had no job, no income and a drinking problem. He also continuously told her she was a "piece of crap" among many other compliments.

And of course this girl just kept going back for more like a fat kid at an all you can eat buffet. And again, SURPRISE, when he suddenly wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

Her mom, while not the greatest communicator, did try to get across to her that her boyfriend was a piece of garbage. But Jenelle being the worldly soul that she is, didn't believe her. Until her friends said the same exact thing and then suddenly Jenelle decided to end it. But knowing her type, I am sure they'll get back together.

Anywho, skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead...Jenelle has this little baby. Immediately after having the baby, and I mean days, she starts going out every night. Her poor mother is the one getting up every few hours to take care of the baby. She is the one making the bottles and changing the diapers. But its the martyr Jenelle complaining about how tough it is and how tired she is. Tired from what?! Holding the kid? Complaining? Please enlighten me about what is sooooo hard for you.

Jenelle admits once to the camera that "I thought being a mom would be easy. But I was thinking about when he is older and doing the fun stuff."

Really?! Are you that dense that you thought it would just be a piece of cake?! Bet you are rethinking that whole "you-don't-have-to-wear-a-condom-its-totally-cool" thing that got you into this predicament in the first place aren't you?!

I am no prude. And I also don't think kids should be taught abstinence, but safe sex. I was young once too and I had sex. With a boy *shudders*. However, I never was so irresponsible as to not use protection. How do you agree to that KNOWING what the consequences are? Pregnancy is the BEST case scenario there. You're lucky you didn't get something with an outcome of death or pus filled sores on your chichi.

Anyways, *stepping off the soap box*, back to Jenelle. She loves to threaten her mom, saying, as soon as she's 18 she'll leave and never let her see the baby again. DO IT! I'd love to see her try and make it on her own with that baby without her mom doing all the hard work for her. That kid would be dead in a week. I'd bet money on it. She's the mom you read about who would leave her kid in the car so she could go shopping. Or prop him up with some pillows all night while she goes out clubbing. "I gave my baby just a little whisky and now he'll be out for hours. Woo Hoo!!"

And guess what Jenelle? That loser douche bag boyfriend of yours is going to be a part of your life forever. Like it or not, he has rights to that kid if he wants to use them. Ah young love.

Do the world a favor kid. Give your little one to a family that will actually appreciate him and take care of him. A family that would give and do anything for their child. This way you can have your precious social life back. Then get your tubes tied and use a condom...just to be safe.

You will NEVER get a good night's sleep!

I love the show Medium. LOVE it. It is by far one of my favorite TV shows. Have you seen it? Its great.

There is one thing about the show that gets a little annoying. Now, keep in mind the show has been on for 6 seasons.

Every single episode, Allison (played by Patricia Arquette), wakes up from a dream very abruptly in the middle of the night. Every time this happens, her husband Joe (played by Jake Weber) is startled that this happens. He is always astonished that she wakes up like this and at many times complains how he can't get a good night sleep. Really Joe? Really!!??

A classic Joe quote:

Allison Dubois: I just had a weird dream...
Joe Dubois: Of course you did. It's a day ending in "Y".

Oh shut it Joe, you condescending schmuck. You knew she was psychic when you married her.

Your wife is a psychic who has psychic dreams that wake her up suddenly every single night and still you aren't surprised when it happens? You act like its the very first time this has happened and still bitch and complain. SHE HAS PSYCHIC DREAMS!! Get over it. Go sleep on the couch if its so bothersome. Wear earplugs so you don't hear her wake up!

The other constant irritation in this show is how no one ever believes her. She has a psychic vision. She tells her husband. She tells her boss, the District Attorney (played by Miguel Sandoval). No one ever believes her.

They tell her things like, "That can't be right." or "You must be mistaken." They say "I'm sorry Allison but I just don't see how that's possible."

HOW DO YOU NOT BELIEVE HER?!

At the end of every single episode she ends up being right. There have only been a handful of times she's been a little off. Her dreams always lead up to the bad guy. They always lead to the solving of the crime. You think since this happens once a week their logic would dictate that if they believe her at first, their solve rate would go up. But no.

It seems that in order to make for what they deem good TV, they have to not believe her and go round and round and round until finally they circle back to Allison's dream and what she dreamt comes true.

UGH! Its so frustrating.

Every week I find myself screaming at the TV. When Allison wakes up in the middle of the night I yell at Joe saying "SHE'S PSYCHIC GOD DAMNIT!."

I wish they would just believe her right off the bat. Poor Allison. She must just sigh to herself constantly and think, "Here we go again."

I should write for TV.

Don't mess with my Tinkerbell jammie jams!

Can someone please explain this phenomenon to me? And how it became a phenomenon?

That'd be wonderful.

How in the world, did it become acceptable to wear pajamas in public? And not just any pajamas either. But brightly colored, cartoon clad pajamas at that.

I just don't get it. Is it just me?

Its happening everywhere. I cannot go into one store without seeing several people shopping in their hot pink, tazmanian devil print pajamas. Everytime I see someone wearing pajamas in public, the first thing I think of is "Is it that hard to put on pants?"

Do people think it looks good? Have they no shame? It looks like a lazy, sloppy mess. There has to be someone out there who agrees with this sentiment.

If I am lounging around my house in my pajamas, and suddenly need to go somewhere, it seriously takes me 30 seconds to put on a pair of pants and a shirt. ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE! ITS PANTS!!!!!

I don't want to see what you sleep in.
I don't want to see how low your boobs sag because you didn't take the time to put your bra back on either.
I don't want to see your flannel, plaid pajama bottoms on underneath your fur coat.
I don't want to see words written across your ass because you're "sexy" or "pink" or whatever word your cheerleading squad pals have designated as the new "it" ass word.
I don't want to see your panty lined, cellulite marked thighs underneath your too tight, neon green, terrycloth pajama pants that is holding your muffin top in perfect proportion.

I don't need those intimate details of your life. Put on pants and look like you're trying. Have you just given up? Your life is so hectic and crazy that pants are just too much? That step just takes energy that you don't have left? Give me a break. Or some freaking pants!

Do you go to work in your pajamas? Job interviews? Next people will be getting married in their pajamas. This is a world I don't want to live in.

YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS IN YOUR MICKEY MOUSE FLEECE PANTS!!! And don't say "but look how cute they are?" because YOU'RE WRONG!! You are lazy, nuff said. You just woke up in your pajamas, decided it would be easier to just wear them all day and then fall asleep in the same clothes. This way you don't have to make any rash decisions about matching or clothing options and you can just lounge around in your own sleepy filth all day long. You probably didn't brush your teeth either. Gross. Just gross.

If people want to wear pajamas in public then they should be forced to wear a sign that says "I give up." That way it points out what everyone is already thinking.

Ah, the fine art of conversation. What an art it can be.

Have you ever spoken with someone who constantly uses a phrase or wording that hits you like nails on a chalkboard? Like Bobby Brown hitting Whitney?

I've compiled here the top 3 that drive me absolutely crazy! Once you read this I guarantee, you will not only notice people doing or saying these on a daily basis but you'll probably think of even more. If for any reason you notice that you do any of these, please stop. Just stop. For the love of God, stop!!

#1. The "who the hell is Bob" conversation.

I have spoken to a few people who do this constantly. They'll be telling a story to either myself or sometimes a total stranger and it will go like this...
"This one time, Bob and I went to this show and saw the most amazing band."
"Oh my god, Bob tells the funniest jokes!"
"Oh, well Bob's just not into that so we don't do that."
The whole time this person is telling the story, the only thing I can think is, "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?!?!"
At least introduce your conversation topic friend in the beginning with , "my uncle Bob" or "my friend Bob" or "my goldfish Bob". Don't assume that anyone knows who the hell Bob is.

Then, during the rest of the conversation, the person you are speaking to will at least know who this mystery person is and be able to follow along.

I once yelled at someone who did this after meeting them for the very first time. They did this for about 30 minutes like I knew who this "Bob" or who anyone else in their life was for that matter.

Any number of names can, of course, be substituted for Bob. There is no limit to the annoying factor.

#2. The "5 days ago, no 4, no 5, maybe 3, no definitely 5" conversation.

Have you ever had someone tell you a story like this...

"I went to the best restaurant on vacation. We went at around 6 o'clock. Wait, maybe it was 7. No definitely 6 because I got out of the hotel around 5. No, no, no 7 definitely. "

OH MY GOD WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?!?!

I cannot STAND when someone does this. Who cares?! What difference does it matter what time it was or how many days ago it was or where the moon was in the night sky?! Why feel the need to be so detailed. Just tell the freaking story already!! People just love to hear themselves talk most of the time. I think it makes them feel important to tell redundant details. Who knows?

#3. The "120%" conversation

"I will give you 120% don't you worry"

No you won't. No you will not. How on Earth could you give 120%. Its not possible to give more than a hundred.
It makes no difference and you sound like an idiot. Bad talker. Shush.

These are only the top 3. The possibilities are endless and there are absolutely a thousand more that irk me.

I am positive you have a top 3 of your own so lets hear them.

Just leave Bob out of it.

Paper or Plastic?

Currently, I work part time in a supermarket and notice all kinds of ridiculousness that I'd like to point out here.

If you go to a supermarket..please don't do these things. Its really fucking annoying to us and makes our jobs harder and more difficult when it should be mindless work.

*When stepping up to the checkout line, do not under any circumstances, unload all of your groceries and then run away to just get something "real quick" that you forgot. It holds up our line, pisses other customers off and then we have to sit there and get bitched at by them about it.

*If you do the above thing, don't get all pissy when you come back 10 minutes later and find that your groceries have been packed back in your basket or cart and set aside so we may ring other customers who were waiting while you took your prima donna time finding your item all the way on the other side of the store.

*Do not yell at the checkout person/cashier EVER. Who the fuck do you think you are? We get paid barely minimum wage and you think we are gonna sit there and take your shit? How is that fair? It is not MY personal fault that we don't take your stupid expired coupon from another store in Lithuania. It is not MY personal fault that you brought me an item with no fucking barcode and now we BOTH have to wait while someone goes and gets it for us. Trust me, I don't want to sit there while you berate me either. We don't get paid enough to deal with your shit and your drama so don't take out your bad day or your bad haircut out on us. You are no better than me just because I work in a grocery store.

*If you bring your own bags to bag your groceries give them to us FIRST! Do not unload your entire cartful of groceries then get all pissed off that someone bagged them in plastic or paper and not your fancy bags from Whole Foods or whereverthehellelse you bought them. Be thankful we helped bag your groceries at all. Or be helpful and hand them to us first so we don't have to get yelled at by you and then unbag everything and do it again.

*When you take your cart outside to put your groceries in your car...put the cart away!! Don't put it BEHIND someones car or in front of someones car or next to someones car door. Walk your lazy ass the 10 feet to the spot where the carts go and put it back. I love going out to my car after a day of being berated by assholes and finding a cart blocking my car door or directly behind my car so when I back up I hit the cart. Awesome.

*Do not make ridiculous negative comments to the cashier about them. I love hearing people complain about my tattoos or telling me "you know that's permanent" or "Why would such a pretty girl do that to herself". Its permanent!? Holy shit I thought it was washable!! I know what I'm doing. Shut your mouth, pay for your groceries, and leave. I don't need YOU, a total stranger to me, telling me how horrible I am for getting a tattoo and a lip piercing. Shut it. Keep your comments to yourself.

*Don't ask for tomorrows sale price today. We can't do it. There's a reason its TOMORROWS sale price and not todays. Don't be bitchy when we can't either. There's no reason for it and being bitchy only makes us NOT want to help you even more.

Now that I'm all irate that's all I can do for now. But trust me...there WILL be a part 2 on this topic.

Until next time...

Freaks In Uniform

I'm about to spill a secret that the lesbian community doesn't want you to know. I may even get my membership card revoked for this.

I don't have a very eloquent way with words so I'm just going to spit it out. Here goes....lesbians wear a uniform. That's right! I said it! WHAT!?!

The lesbian uniform changes every year. We can spot each other a mile away once we see the universal uniform is being proudly worn. Ever meet a girl you aren't quite sure really IS a lesbian? Well with the knowledge of the uniform, now you'll know!

I don't know when the uniform started or even who started it. All I know, is that its alive and well. Its not usually a full uniform per say, but really an article of clothing or accessory. Some lesbians try to stray from the uniform because they don't want to conform or be grouped in. But they all give in eventually at some point during the year.

I've discovered the uniform usually changes around Pride when we all gather in masses. Then we can properly discern what is the current years uniform. Very handy to know in time for summer clothes shopping.

A few years ago it was the classic shoe, Chuck Taylors. Lesbians from all over the world were wearing their Chucks everywhere they went. We were all wearing the same shoes at every occasion or event.

Last year it was another piece of classic fashion, the Polo shirt. I myself have a pair of Chucks and multiple Polo's. I'm not fooling anyone. The Polo comes in a variety of colors and styles. As do Chucks. You can imagine the mix-matching possibilities that plagued our everyday lives!

I should also note that the uniform never stops being THE uniform. We get a new piece every year but that doesn't mean the old pieces no longer apply. They just aren't as prevalent I guess you could say.

Now for this years uniform choice. For 2009 we have not one, but TWO, uniform pieces. Oooo la la!

This year the first piece we have is the striped shirt. Any type of shirts and any color or variety of stripes will work. As long as the stripes are prevalent, you will easily be spotted and identified as a lesbian. No need to worry about type of fabric or width of stripes!

Our second piece this year is the key clip. Its more of an accessory. It is the clip, which very closely resembles a mountain climbing clip, that you can attach your keys too and then hook onto your belt loops. So convenient for keeping our keys where we need them, looking fashionable AND jingling whenever a lesbian is getting close to you. Its kind of like our own little beacon system. We're very clever, what can I say?

So don't go telling anyone I told you. Its very hard for me to get a new membership card. I have to take the test again and everything!

But remember ladies, get out those striped shirts and key clips and jingle the night away. You'll look good doing it. *wink*

Until next time...